2012: end of the end of the world in review

No matter what happens to the world today, I think all would agree that it's been a rough year for predictors of doom. One could explain all the technical errors that led to mistaken pronouncements of imminent doom, like that preacher dude from early this year I can't be bothered to look up just now. Like him, one could parse and subdivide and render each grave error innocent.

I would suggest a simpler approach, having more to do with observable astronomical and physical phenomena than with speculative numerology.* For instance, it's possible that the sun will start to become a red dwarf, and eventually suck up the earth, in around 7.6 billion years. To borrow the latest world-not-ending-after-all joke, I think that means it's safe to do your Christmas shopping.

What's really bizarre about all this is that, when I was growing up, it felt like there was a real possibility of the world ending--the human world, at least. I'm not certain, but I believe I am among the last generation in the US who had nuclear bomb drills in grade school. In retrospect, I imagine they were mandated by some profoundly ill-conceived law. From what little I know about nuclear combat, our hiding our seven-year-old heads under our desks, according to the class seating chart, would have the total effect of any survivors being better able to identify bodies. Words just cannot express how soothing that experience was for my seven-year-old sense of doom. Ronald Reagan was like that, too.

I presume there must be money in the end-of-the-world racket, although I never made any. People write and say all kinds of things for cash, and only 28% of them are pundits on TV.

Could it be, that what the Mayans and Nostradamus were really warning us about was the rise of the pundits? Is Glenn Beck the Beast mentioned in Revelation? And if only 28% of the people writing and saying all kinds of things for cash are pundits, then that has to mean 72% work in other bullshit industries. Maybe "lake of fire" was a metaphor!

Book it. The world will end today, the result of drowning in punditry, damn punditry, and statistics.

--
* I was so tempted to impute to Luce Irigaray having written a book called The Speculative Numerology of the Other Woman, but cooler heads prevailed. That's one of those deeply multilayered jokes that either precedes a spit take or does nothing whatsoever, and at this late date, I can't afford to risk it. Though I certainly agree with Steve Martin that comedy isn't pretty, sometimes the key is to know when to say no, or perhaps listen to other people who are telling you no.

the end of the world - Santorumaggedon

As we have seen, the Republican Presidential Nomination campaign is all about which candidate will win the hearts, minds, and votes of those who believe that the United States is a nation founded on the Book of Revelation, the Christian document called the Constitution, capitalism, and guns. If they are right, the most apocalyptically-inclined candidate should win, and not only that, but that nomination should bring down upon us a hell-storm.

(Nota bene: The Republican convention is in August, the eighth month. It cannot be a coincidence that in Chapter 8 of Revelations, the seventh seal is broken. Yeah, no kidding!)

There can be no doubt that the most fervently evangelizing of the candidates is Rick Santorum, so it is clear that the closer he comes to the nomination, the closer we all come to the Final Judgment, the Ultimate Ultimate Fighting Championship of The Lord, the Last, Really, Really, Last Call of the End of All Times, as expounded upon in clear and concise detail in Revelation and other books and signs.

At present, Mitt ("OMG President Mittens!") Romney has 454 delegates; Rick Santorum has 217, Newt Gingrich has 107, and Ron Paul has 47. That means, as you are no doubt aware, that we are a mere 927 delegates away from Santorumageddon.

He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name was written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.
  - Revelation 2:17

Should Rick Santorum overcometh Mitt Romney, clearly that would mean that the GOP had been given a white stone, since, as anyone can see, Santorum is white, and probably made of some kind of stone, and that new name will be written upon him: Republican Nominee. And lo, the reign of Santorum will be upon us all.

Book it. Either when Romney concedes, as he eventually must, because he's a loser nobody likes, not even the Republican Party establishment, or when Santorum wins the nomination at the Republican Convention in August, that'll be lights out.

the end of the world - 6 March

And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see.
 --Revelation 6:3

Super Tuesday is always regarded as Apocalyptic, especially by the non-incumbent party, so it's appropriate to interpret the day, in terms of both its political and doom implications, from that standpoint. What we need to interpret is this text regarding the "second seal" and the "second beast."

There can be no doubt that these refer, this year, to the Republican nomination campaign. That is to say, the Republican Party positions itself as the party of God, Christianity, Righteousness, and the End of Days. (Exhibit A: The Republican Party has declared itself, for more than 30 years, to be the Party of God, Faith, Divine Dispensation, Morality, etc.) The "second seal" and the "second beast" must, therefore, refer to GOP Presidential candidates.

There can be only two, at this point: Mitt (aka "Mittens," aka NOT the Massachusetts native son) Romney, and Rick (don't even get me started) Santorum. Since Santorum still trails Romney, we must conclude that Santorum is "the second beast," right? So any win by Santorum during Super Tuesday is obviously another step closer to Armageddon, right?

This is getting so confusing. I wish the Republicans would work this out, so those of us trying to provide instructive guidance about the end of the world could have something like the truth to work with.

the end of the world - and why it still seems to be going

I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan's seat is: and thou holdest fast my name, and hast not denied my faith, even in those days wherein Antipas was my faithful martyr, who was slain among you, where Satan dwelleth. But I have a few things against thee, because thou hast there them that hold the doctrine of Balaam, who taught Balac to cast a stumblingblock before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed unto idols, and to commit fornication.
 --Revelation, 2:13-14

My loyal readers may have been having some difficulty squaring their experiences with my explanation that the world had ended last week. That's understandable, and, to be candid, I've had some difficulty, myself.

First of all, let me make it as clear as I can that it's a good idea to continue to pay your bills and your rent, even if the world has ended. I have no information that settles once and for all the question of whether debts transfer beyond the Apocalypse. Given our recent experience of the sub-prime mortgage crisis, I'm guessing "yes." Word to the wise.

Second, as I suppose goes without saying, I cannot accept any liability for your failing to pay said bills during the last week.

Moreover, those experiences are very hard to understand in light of today's text, which includes tomorrow's text, since it's about to be Valentine's Day. It's a challenging text, since it does not specifically denote doom, but instead, more of a snit, over behavior that's normally given severe condemnation -- eating sacrificial animals and having hot sex. From my perspective, both eating animals and hot sex are au courant this time of year, so I am sure that's what's referred to. (I think the idea in that last line has something to do with rabbis trying to stop us from eating sacrificial animals and having hot sex. I'm not sure.)

But to what end? And how does this explain how we've had to go to work for almost a whole week now, after the apparent end of everything?

These are challenging times. Dark times. My loyal readers will know that, despite all the portents, we must push forward. After all, tomorrow isn't another day.

the end of the world - 7 February

Some things are abundantly clear, in this world. It is clear, for instance, that the fate of the world is tied to the fate of former senator Rick Santorum. We know this to be true because he tells us so.

In an earlier post, I noted the close connection between Santorum's candidacy for the Republican Presidential Nomination, Newt Gingrich's relationship to truth and falsity, and the ultimate end of everything. Gingrich proposed that the South Carolina primary would be "armageddon" for Santorum, and on that basis, I suggested the possibility that Santorum's defeat in South Carolina would herald the end times.

No such luck.

I have since become more clear in my understanding of Newt Gingrich's relationship to the truth. When he said South Carolina would be "armageddon" for Santorum, he had to be uttering falsehood, because he's Newt Gingrich.

Upon further reflection, it's clear that Gingrich provided us the clue we needed to understand these signs. Since Newt cannot tell the truth, his invocation of "armageddon" in South Carolina, on the grounds that Santorum would lose big (as he did), clearly indicates that the true sign of the final end of all ends will be a Santorum victory.

To sum up: Everything Newt Gingrich says is false. Therefore, when he proclaimed that armageddon would follow Rick Santorum's terrible defeat in the South Carolina primary, the truth of that statement was, really, that armageddon would be presaged by Santorum electoral victories. Since Santorum won in the three non-binding, non-elector-selecting primaries and caucuses Tuesday, it's obvious that those elections indicated the end of the world.

Obviously, this means that any work you've done since then will be unpaid. Sorry.

the end of the world - ?

February 2 is Groundhog Day. It's not Groundhog Day, which is a filthy, depraved, disgusting so-called motion picture that was filmed in Clarion, Pennsylvania, not Punxsutawney, since Punxsy is kinda crappy, actually, compared to Clarion. Groundhog Day, the day, not the movie, is an enduring tradition involving drunkenness and rodent exploitation, like most traditions.

What does this have to do with the end of the world, you ask?

As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.
Song of Solomon 2:2

We must interpret carefully this perplexing text on Groundhog Day. As always, reading it in the context of Revelation is helpful.

I know thy works, and thy labor, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:
Revelation 2:2

You see? It's odd, until you probe a little deeper.

The lily, thorns, love, and daughters part has a pretty direct meaning, as I'm sure is clear. It's about boinking, and spring, which is, of course, the season of boinking. Groundhog Day is the day that Punxsutawney Phil interprets the omens only he can, in order to determine when spring will arrive. Hence the relevance of the season of boinking line from Song of Solomon.

The verse from Revelation is the pickle. To whom is this addressed? That is, who is "thy"? What are "thy labor" and "thy patience"?

Let's be clear about this: Punxsutawney Phil is an innocent groundhog, who is ceremoniously yanked from a tree trunk at the ass-crack of dawn in godforsaken Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania on the second of February in the midst of a couple thousand college students in the tenth hour of a drunken binge, hoisted aloft by twerps in top hats, and then stuffed back in the tree. If anybody labors patiently, it's Punxsutawney Phil.


Cuuuuute.

Plus, think of the labor he is thus required to perform: he looks for his shadow, among this mayhem (sometimes empty bottles are thrown), and, I can tell you from having seen the spectacle, he's very, very afraid! He can't bear them evil drunken hooligans. (I have always been concerned about Phil's little ears. The crowds are terribly loud.) It is therefore obvious that the "thy" referred to in Revelation is Punxsutawney Phil.

What this tells us is that Phil will tell us whether the end of days (read: the season of boinking) will be delayed six weeks. As a result, I must hold in abeyance my further information about that date and the circumstances of the final and ultimate end of all ends. For now, it's all in Phil's hands paws.

the end of the world - not 31 January 2012

Pundits are proclaiming today's Florida Republican Primary to be the most significant yet. The Republican Party establishment have evidently come to their collective senses and realized that OMFG NEWT F***ING GINGRICH IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?! Consequently, they've poured buckets of money into Mitt Romney.

(Not literally, I suppose.)

Of course, the real significance of this is: Rick Santorum's campaign will begin its inexorable and pitiable descent from madness to obscurity, obscurity to boutique, boutique to dropsical, and finally, dropsical to dead. (That's the usual course of these things.) Despite this, I can safely say that the world will not end today.

There is also no 31st verse of the first chapter of Revelations, and although Chapter Two, Verse One of Ezekiel provides some intriguing hints of what could come up later, obviously that couldn't apply to our situation today, since it's January 31 (i.e., 1:31), not February 1 (i.e., 2:1).

So enjoy your day. My enjoyment of my day will begin with an optometrist appointment. I would make a joke here about going to "see" my optometrist, and it would be hilarious, but I don't have the heart. Depression is a terrible thing, and, as a tip for everyone, optometrists are not qualified to treat depression.

(By the way, it's also impossible for the world to end on the day you go to see your optometrist. This does not apply if your eye doctor is actually an opthamologist.)

the end of the world - apparently not 25 January 2012

Okay, I'll admit it, my last post about the end times was motivated entirely by self-interest, namely, my self-interest in having the Spring semester somehow not happen. I didn't have any good backing for that assertion. Sorry. (Say it like a Canadian! "Sore-ry!")

(Ooooh, I smell a meme! "Say it like a Canadian!")

Now that I think about it, my selfish desire to have the world end in order to avoid having to go to school today was incredibly short-sighted. Follow me here: if the world had ended, and I didn't have to go to school today, it would also have been the case that I, too, would have ended, since my existence more or less depends on the world's existence. What was I thinking?!

Clearly, no one should want the world to end, unless that person was more or less assured of some avenue of escape from personal demise concomitant with the world's. Plus, if you think about it, wanting the world to end entails wanting lots of people to stop existing, as well, and there's something slightly rude about that. In fact, this whole "end of the world" business is a lot trickier, ethically speaking, than I thought. Some people are really attached to the world, and their friends and pets. Holy crap! I'm really attached to my friends and my pets! Sorry, guys! ("Sore-ry, guys!")

On the other hand, if the world were to actually, really, officially end - like really end, not just kind of turn crappier - not only would my friends and pets end, but so would I. So I wouldn't continue to exist, only in a world where my friends and pets would not exist. No. I would stop existing, too. That should make the notion more bearable, right? The end of the world wouldn't be just the end of my friends and pets ("Sore-ry!"), but my own end as well, and so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain and loss.

That's nice, eh? ("Eh?")

the end of the world - 25 January, 2012

In the days following a predicted date of the end of the world, one is often asked to explain how it is that one mistakenly made such a prediction. This is understandable, and I for one certainly promote critical thinking by all of my followers, but these questions are, in truth, out of order.

First of all, the notion that once the date passes, a prediction is proved "wrong," is so simplistic that it's false.

Last week, I was able to discern that the world would end after the South Carolina Republican Primary, that is, following the "armageddon" of Rick Santorum's campaign, predicted by Newt Gingrich. As I explained, it is physically impossible for truth and Newt Gingrich to co-exist in this universe, and so, if he had spoken the truth about Santorum's demise, our own would follow.

Now that Gingrich has been declared the winner in South Carolina, and Santorum in Iowa, we know that Gingrich's claim was not true. Thus, we and our universe continue to exist. Somewhere, on a little watery planet light-years away, emerging extremely alien life crawling through primeval slime is unspeakably grateful, whereas we continue to bitch.

Anyway, my point is that my so-called prediction was not "wrong," since the events of Saturday followed precisely the course that I had explained. QED. [Original text: "QED, mutherfucker!" - Ed.]

Second, this whole business of calling for accountability for "wrong" predictions fundamentally mistakes what this is all about. Visionaries like myself (if I do say so) are not "predicting," like cheap side-show palm readers or tarot charlatans. We are engaged in an interpretation of the signs that the world and our holy texts present to us, an interpretation of world events in their ultimate significance, and in their ultimate days.

Third, I'm not very good at math. Specifically, algebra. And believe me, there's a lot of algebra involved in interpreting the signs and holy texts. Parsing Revelation requires quadratic equations.

Fourth, it's rude.

I am prepared, today, to announce that the world will meet its final and ultimate doom on Wednesday, the 25th of January, 2012. Classes at Cow State Santa Claus are scheduled to begin on Thursday, 26 January, but obviously, I won't be able to make it.

the end of the world - 21 January 2012

And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.

                              - Revelations 21:1

Saturday, the 21st of January - 21/01/2012 - is very likely to be the end of the world.

No, it's not because Saturday is the sabbath of the chosen people. And it's not because Jon Huntsman dropped out of the Republican Presidential race.

It's because of Rick Santorum.

Now, before anyone gets any crazy ideas about Santorum, his sanctity, or his electability (especially not his electability, cuz, you know, Santorum). In fact, it's not really because of anything Rick Santorum has done or failed to do. It's not because of his pandering to the bigot vote, and it's not because of his adherence to a very weird theology. And I am not saying that Rick Santorum is the antichrist.

To understand the truth, sometimes you have to look beyond the facts. This is one of those times. Facts cannot help us to understand or to know how and why it is that, of all people, Newt Gingrich has discovered the truth.

This will be difficult to comprehend, so let me take it a little slow.

Cosmologists have speculated about the origin and the state of the universe as we presently experience it. Current thinking seems to coalesce around the notion that the reason this universe is here is that, of all possible universes, no incompossible universes can co-exist in the same space-time. That is, this is the universe we live in, because this is the universe that makes it possible for us to live in it. We can't know of the existence of other universes, which are equally possible to our own, if not compossible with it, because to know of their possibility, we'd have to leave this one, and when we did, we'd stop existing, too.

The gist is, there cannot be two co-existing incompossible universes.

So, let's distinguish two different universes. We'll call the first universe Our Universe, and we'll call the second universe Shit-Crazy Universe, just to keep them distinct.

In Our Universe, there is a guy named Newt Gingrich. Newt Gingrich is a politician in the worst possible sense of the term. I mean to say, it is not possible for Newt Gingrich to utter the truth. When I say it's not possible, I mean, Newt Gingrich and anything approaching the truth cannot co-exist in Our Universe. It is a fundamental law of nature.

Yet, Newt Gingrich has told the truth about the Saturday primary, to wit, that it will be armageddon for Rick Santorum. Despite this, Newt Gingrich apparently continues to exist.

Now, once Saturday's primary concludes, once Rick Santorum is soundly defeated, should Newt Gingrich continue to exist, it must be the case, following this fundamental law of nature, that Our Universe will be destroyed, and the Shit-Crazy Universe will replace it. Armageddon for Rick Santorum will thus be armageddon for us all ... except for Newt Gingrich.

Newt Gingrich: destroyer of universes.

Book it. Just before the drop of the puck in the NY Islanders - Carolina Hurricanes NHL game at 7:08 EST.

the end of the world - NOT Friday, 13 January

As many readers are likely aware, the world did not end in the first intermission of the Winnipeg Jets - San Jose Sharks NHL game last night. I apologize if this led to any inconvenience, but to be frank, the world actually ending would be far more inconvenient than being prepared for a predicted end of the world that was not forthcoming.

I have discovered two minor errors in my previous prediction, and am currently working on revisions to my methodology to account for these errors and assure you, my followers, of much greater accuracy in future clarification of the end times.

First of all, despite the evidence to the contrary, it turns out the Winnipeg Jets have nothing to do with the end of the world. The return of NHL hockey to the Manitoba capital after the previous Jets moved to Phoenix in 1996 would no doubt appear to be a major harbinger. This could still prove to be true, but I am confident that whatever it is a harbinger of is not, in fact, the apocalypse.

Of course, the game between the Jets and the Sharks therefore had no major implications for the ultimate cataclysm, only a little impact on the NHL season, and indeed, there were fewer jazz dance snap fights in the game than I was expecting. Far fewer. The omens and portents are subtle, and interpreting them correctly subtler still. I think, in this instance, I may have been just a little too subtle.

More updates to come, as new revelations - better make that epiphanies - come to me. Suffice it to say that the world will not end today, Friday the 13th of January. That kind of superstitious claptrap has no business in the understanding of the end of days.

the end of the world - Thursday, 12 January

Obviously, if you're reading this, the world did not end on Tuesday, the New Hampshire primary victory of Mitt Romney notwithstanding, and notwithstanding his call to restore Murrka's moral core.

Anyway, the main problem in my calculations had to do with what happened at 18:21 of the second period of the Winnipeg Jets-Boston Bruins game. Nothing happened at 18:21 of the Winnipeg Jets-Boston Bruins game.

I am now in a better position to understand the prophecy entrusted to me regarding the End Times. I recognize that the pattern involves not Babylon/Boston, and certainly not the relationship between that game and the New Hampshire Republican primary. That would be silly.

It does, however, involve the Jets. I am now prepared to revise my earlier prediction, and want to let all of my followers know that the world will end this coming Thursday, during the NHL game between the Winnipeg Jets and the San Jose Sharks. This is made clear in part by the relevant text from West Side Story. As you know, a significant event in the story is a street fight between rival gangs, the Jets and the Sharks.

When you're a Jet,
You're a Jet all the way
From your first cigarette
To your last dyin' day.

When you're a Jet,
If the spit hits the fan,
You got brothers around,
You're a family man!

You're never alone,
You're never disconnected!
You're home with your own:
When company's expected,
You're well protected!

Then you are set
With a capital J,
Which you'll never forget
Till they cart you away.
When you're a Jet,
You stay a Jet!

The fight takes place, in the old film version of the show, by way of modern dance and jazzy finger-snapping. No doubt, there will be a lot of that in the game Thursday night.

But the clincher here, what really tells us the full story and gives us certainty that this is the true moment of the climactic end of the world, is Mitt Romney's New Hampshire primary victory speech today, in which he promised not only to unseat Barack Obama, but to restore Murrka's moral core.

When I first saw this speech on CNN, I said, "What the hell is Mitt Romney talking about? Get that hypocritical bitch cow corporate whore off my TV screen, before I shoot it again!" On further reflection, it's obvious. West Side Story was written by the notoriously gay Leonard Bernstein, who was not only gay, but also incredibly gay. Nothing could be more anti-Murrkan than being a gay gay gay frickin' gay frickin' Jewish gay Jew, like Bernstein. Bernstein was probably also a Commie pinko red gay frickin red gay gay red pinko East Coast intellectual effete gay effete Jew.

This can't possibly be a coincidence. Romney wins in New Hampshire. The Jets play the Sharks. West Side Story. Leonard "Super Gay Pinko Gay Jewish Gay Commie Jew" Bernstein.

Puck drops around 8:38 EST in the 'Peg. Armageddon in the first intermission.

the end of the world - Tuesday, 10 January

And a mighty angel took up a stone like a great millstone, and cast it into the sea, saying, Thus with violence shall that great city Babylon be thrown down, and shall be found no more at all.

Revelations 18:21

New Hampshire - the Granite State, named for that stone of which many millstones have been made over the centuries - is, of course, a border state to Massachusetts, wherein lies Boston. Many tax evaders live in New Hampshire rather than Massachusetts, and commute down to Boston for lucrative jobs. Boston, being a large East Coast city, is therefore comparable to Babylon.

On Saturday, the Boston Bruins, 2011 Stanley Cup champions, lost to fellow Cup finalist Vancouver Canucks in a bloody, violent NHL game. The Bruins' next game is Tuesday, which is coincidentally the date of the New Hampshire Primary. Boston will play the Winnipeg Jets, and the puck will drop approximately 7:08 PM EST. The polls close at 8:00 PM EST, which is likely to be around the start of the second period.

The Great Millstone - the Granite State's GOP presidential primary election - falls on the same day as the Boston - that is, the Babylon - Bruins play in their very next game after the tremendous outburst of violence in Saturday's game. Thus with the millstone, and violence, Babylon will be no more.

Book it. With 18:21 left in the second period of the Boston-Winnipeg game, the world will end.