Things I don't recommend

My friend Bobo the Wandering Pall-bearer, aka The Most Optimistic Man in America, aka Jim, has just written a brief account of things he doesn't recommend. He picked three, but I think he should've picked four.

It's a nifty idea. If everybody posted three things they don't recommend, maybe fewer of us would engage in foolhardy and self-destructive pursuits. Maybe not. Who knows? Who cares? In any case, herewith...

Doc Nagel's Things I Don't Recommend

1. Sticking your finger in a light socket.

In fact, I didn't do this. What I did do was this: curious and experimental a lad as I was, I decided to investigate electricity. I did this by tearing a paper clip in half, inserting each half into one of the two slots in an outlet, and then carefully completing the circuit with a lockblade pocket knife I had. Despite holding onto the wood portion of the knife handle, I felt a surge of current and was more or less pitched backwards, while the circuit breaker did its job and shut down the whole demonstration. I was about 14. I don't think my parents know about this (or knew about this; I suppose the cat's out of the bag now. Any by the way, bagging cats seems like a phenomenally bad idea).

2. "Drafting" behind semi trucks on the freeway.

I didn't do this either, but I was complicit. Back in college, I took a couple trips up from Charlotte to Greensboro (about 90 miles) with my pal Doug, in his 1980 Honda Accord hatchback. Doug had developed a skill at semi-truck drafting.

Drafting is a term from bicycle racing. Cyclists conserve their energy by getting into the vortex of wind formed by cyclists in front of them. The advantage is that you get pulled along by the other cyclist, and use less of your own power. It takes steely nerve and steady hands - you have to place your bicycle within a few inches of the bike in front of you, hold on tight, move in synch with the bike in front, and meanwhile watch the road ahead of you.

With cars and semis, you have one advantage and one disadvantage. The advantage is that, with the much larger semi drawing in wind, you have a fairly big chunk of space to stick your car. The rather obvious, in fact frightening, disadvantage, is that semis, being huge honking beasts, could crush your 1980 Honda Accord hatchback instantly.

We also used to drive with Doug leaned all the way back in the driver's side, working the pedals, while I steered with my hand under the dash, simulating a car driving with no driver. This is, without doubt, extremely and ludicrously dangerous.

We also used to drive around the campus area playing a tape of ourselves screaming at full volume, with all windows rolled down.

We also drove to a rural area and performed a violation of social norms - Doug giving someone the finger - and were chased through the region by a presumed redneck in a pickup truck.

I can't say I recommend any of that. Damnation, it was fun.

3. Relying on posted tabulature of Paul Simon tunes

I know, it's not important to you, but it is to me.

I have yet to see anything posted to any guitar ripoff site that gives any reliable account of any Paul Simon tune. Jim's explanation of this is soothingly and benignly simple: any account of a Paul Simon tune, but especially one endorsed in some way by Paul Simon, is purely fictional.

Like I said, not necessarily for mass consumption. Nonetheless, beware.