RESOLVED: That New Year's resolutions are basically worthless.
RESOLVED: That forming new resolutions does nothing but perpetuate the absurd cultural trope that we can, in fact, change who we are overnight, as though having thrown a switch.
RESOLVED: That the tradition of New Year's resolutions does no one any good.
RESOLVED: That I should be more patient and kinder in the New Year.
RESOLVED: Oh, and floss more diligently.
RESOLVED: And stop punting puppies.
RESOLVED: And quit doing that other thing.
RATIONALE: It's the friggin' New Year. Evidently, this requires us to make resolutions we either won't keep or have no intention of keeping, and also to drink fizzy liquids, preferably with alcohol in them. Who am I to judge?