Tuesday, January 19, 2010

new career options #2

Today, I'll consider another potential career option, that my loveliest suggested during a discussion of CFA political endorsements. Just as we heard that a CFA staffer is doing well in his campaign for the California Assembly, she leaned over and whispered, "That'd be a good career move for you - you should run for office!"

Interestingly, many of the same skills are needed to be a successful Politician as for being a successful Cult Leader. Recent history suggests a Politician probably shouldn't be as articulate as a Cult Leader, so I'll have to try to tone that down a bit. It's also apparently tremendously helpful to have a few stock slogans, in particular moralizing ones.

A successful Politician needs the backing of a major political party, enormous quantities of cash, and a support system staffed by munificently-paid consultants, well-paid operatives, and unpaid volunteer grunts. Those will be tough to pull together. I've never been very good at raising money. Getting the endorsement of one of the two major political parties seems to depend on whether I can raise money for the party and come to the aid of other Politicians. Whew! I'm gonna be busy!

And I'll need your help. Please send your campaign contribution today. Join our fight in Sacramento or Washington or Turlock or wherever.

On the other hand, the response to my pondering being a Cult Leader suggests that I could already have a few unpaid volunteers lined up for stuffing envelopes and walking precincts. I think I could rile people up to the point that they devote their energies to the cause of not really doing much to change anything.

There are a handful of basic styles of Politicians. I don't think I could pull off "down-homey salt-of-the-earth" as my basic style. Y'all would see through my protestations of unsophistication. I'm more naturally like the "brainy policy wonk" style, but the problem there is that when the chips are down I might have to actually know something about policy. I think "tough, street-smart" is the easiest, because all you really have to do is be cynical about your opponent.

My opponent - easily the biggest threat to democracy we have ever experienced - must be stopped at any cost. And I need your help with that cost. Send your campaign contribution today. No amount is too small or too large. (There are donation limits for campaigns, of course, but these are easily avoided by contributing to "advisory" committees.)

Finally, as we all know, a Politician has to deny having skeletons in the closet. So: I have always lived a completely upstanding and moral life, and have never strayed from my basic principles of justice and ethics. There. That should handle it.

1 comment:

noceleryplease said...

Well now, I might be willing to turn over all my worldly possessions to a charismatic cult leader.

But I can't give money to a - gasp - POLITICIAN!

That's just yucky.