Dear Mr. President,
I am writing to apply for the position of Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court. I trust that you will give my application serious consideration, and I thank you in advance for your time and energy.
Because I am not a certified member of the Bar, in any state, nor in possession of a juris doctorate or other law degree, I feel I am uniquely qualified to serve on the Court. Because I have not studied law, I am free from bias with regard to case-law precedent in most areas, which will allow me to weigh the legal issues with greater care. In those areas where I am somewhat knowledgeable of Court rulings (mainly First Amendment rights and certain decisions regarding rights of patients), my biases are informed by my years of having taught philosophy classes, rather than by ideology.
Indeed, after 13 years of college teaching, all of it as temporary faculty, it's no longer possible for me to afford an ideology. I teach whatever I'm required to teach, whether I believe in it or not. Consequently, Senate confirmation will be a breeze: I'll tell them whatever they want to hear.
I understand the meanings of terms like Miranda rights and habeas corpus, ex post facto and gerrymandering. I can both read and write legalese. I can decipher some legislation.
Current salary for associate justices is $208,100 (which is less than each of the 23 Presidents of the CSUs make). I'll gladly accept a discounted salary, which has to help in tough economic times. Let's say $120,000. I think I can live with that, seeing as how it's more than double what I've ever made in a year.
Enclosed, find my curriculum vitae, letters of reference, a writing sample, and 3 8x10 glossies - 1 black-and-white head shot, 1 color posed shot (reclining), and 1 color 1/4 profile.