What does this have to do with the end of the world, you ask?
As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.
Song of Solomon 2:2
We must interpret carefully this perplexing text on Groundhog Day. As always, reading it in the context of Revelation is helpful.
I know thy works, and thy labor, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:
You see? It's odd, until you probe a little deeper.
The lily, thorns, love, and daughters part has a pretty direct meaning, as I'm sure is clear. It's about boinking, and spring, which is, of course, the season of boinking. Groundhog Day is the day that Punxsutawney Phil interprets the omens only he can, in order to determine when spring will arrive. Hence the relevance of the season of boinking line from Song of Solomon.
The verse from Revelation is the pickle. To whom is this addressed? That is, who is "thy"? What are "thy labor" and "thy patience"?
Let's be clear about this: Punxsutawney Phil is an innocent groundhog, who is ceremoniously yanked from a tree trunk at the ass-crack of dawn in godforsaken Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania on the second of February in the midst of a couple thousand college students in the tenth hour of a drunken binge, hoisted aloft by twerps in top hats, and then stuffed back in the tree. If anybody labors patiently, it's Punxsutawney Phil.
Plus, think of the labor he is thus required to perform: he looks for his shadow, among this mayhem (sometimes empty bottles are thrown), and, I can tell you from having seen the spectacle, he's very, very afraid! He can't bear them evil drunken hooligans. (I have always been concerned about Phil's little ears. The crowds are terribly loud.) It is therefore obvious that the "thy" referred to in Revelation is Punxsutawney Phil.
What this tells us is that Phil will tell us whether the end of days (read: the season of boinking) will be delayed six weeks. As a result, I must hold in abeyance my further information about that date and the circumstances of the final and ultimate end of all ends. For now, it's all in Phil's