Sunday, May 09, 2010

yet another open letter to the President

Dear Mr. President,

Rumor has it that you're about to nominate a replacement for Justice Stevens on the US Supreme Court. Before you nominated Justice Sotomayor, as you recall, I applied for the position, even offering to take the job at a discounted salary. I didn't get the job, but I'm pretty sure I was a strong candidate for it. As the numerous rejection letters I've received from colleges and universities across the US and Canada always say, many highly qualified candidates have to be turned away.

In any event, I'm writing to apply once again to be a US Supreme Court Justice. From my previous application, you know I'm very well qualified and extremely willing. Allow me to provide more details about my qualifications that should demonstrate that no one could be a better US Supreme Court Justice.

The main thing a Justice does is make judgments. I'm a whiz at this. I can name several people who regard me as judgmental - although I have to admit that those people are intellectual cripples who wouldn't recognize judicial talent if it bitch-slapped them in the face.

I am also tremendously prejudiced against Philadelphia and the Philadelphia Flyers, whom I am glad to say are very likely to lose their playoff series to the Boston Bruins. I am also prejudiced against Atlanta (and the Atlanta Thrashers - stupid name for a hockey team, btw), Florida (and both the Florida Panthers and Tampa Bay Lightning - and don't even get me started on what a stupid name that is for a hockey team), some parts of Texas (Dallas Stars), Orange County (Anaheim hockey-team-name-too-stupid-and-of-such-vile-and-repugnant-pedigree-that-it-shall-be-nameless), Phoenix (Coyotes), and other cities where there should not be an NHL team.

My point is this. Prejudice is all about prejudgment. Pre-judgment. That's like judging prior to the time of judgment. So, prejudgment is obviously much more time-efficient, and - get this - the more prejudging you do, the earlier you finish judging, the sooner the Court can close up shop for the summer, and all us Justices head for Rehobeth. That saves the country money. See?

(I'm mainly prejudiced about places in the US South and their hockey teams, but I am all about professional development, and I'm sure with some mentoring I can develop many more prejudices. In fact, I feel one coming on now. Srsly, what's the deal with poor people? Who told them they have rights? Hey, poor people, sit down and shut up! Or we'll take away your welfare and gummint cheese!)

Plus, you know what? When someone asks me what I want with my vodka, I say, "just ice." That can't be a coincidence.

Attached is my updated CV and notarized statement of fealty to corporations (I've added the suggested language on "ass-kissing"). I look forward to an interview shortly!

Doc Nagel


Robert Kirkman said...

Dang, passed over again!

(In defense of the name, "Thrashers", the brown thrasher is the state bird of Georgia, and is actually kinda cool. It's related to the mockingbird. Anyway, it's certainly no worse a basis for the name of a hockey team than "Penguins". At least thrashers are actually native to the Atlanta region, whereas penguins aren't even native to this hemisphere!)

Robert Kirkman said...

. . . none of which says anything at all about the Thrashers as a hockey team. For them, there is no justification, either conceptual or practical.

Doc Nagel said...

"Penguins" allegedly came about because of the Civic Arena - i.e., the Igloo...

... not that penguins have anything to do with igloos, either.